Yes, that’s right. I’m in utter awe and wonder as to WHERE this year went by or if it even existed to begin with. I guess the upcoming two months are going to compensate for the dearth of mental stimulation that I was fazed with. Up until October, I had felt utterly dissociated from the happenings around me. The journey has been a surreal trail of events that I felt a spectator to rather than a protagonist. I couldn’t have imagined being so obsessively indulged in a cause that served… or rather severed my career goals. I was feeding my mind information that I was hopelessly binding into my failing memory and the only tears and angst I ever felt were defined by numbers and statistics. I found me telling myself that the months’ long fiasco served for something long term that treads beyond fulfilling my insatiable ego; it was merely for others around me. But I doubt that was the case because if it were, I would have relished the moments I spent binging on the facts about the human body and the ever evolving protocols that address to sustain it.
I now realize I really didn’t enjoy this turbulent voyage. I’ve had friends who had rafted this wretched boat before me and few chose to stay and guide me through. I’m ever grateful for that, but dear oh dear, now that I am slowly reuniting with the layer that surfaces in private and asks me questions that I can’t evade with vague responses, I’m genuinely perplexed. During the months of “dissociation”, I had turned a rather sour cheek to the incertitude that mantles a sound relationship with myself, my loved ones, my passions and my community. I realized that I had stigmatized myself by not being ahead in the competition that plagues medicine grads in order to make it big in this world. But what troubles me is how could I let an ego syntonic motive drive the process. I regret that I didn’t have better and clearer intentions behind all the time, health and sanity that I invested in the process.
And now, that it’s (hopefully) over for the time being, a tornado of suppressed ideas, insecurities, errands and what not are swiftly inundating my mind to the point that every fleeting thought seduces me completely for a minute before another pushes it away and grasps me all over again. I wonder how someone during a manic episode or that with ADHD might feel. They’ve amassed a newfound appreciation from my end. Regardless, I hope I can piece them all together into a well concocted fabric throughout the remains left of this year. Perhaps, it’ll weave a period of 10 months into the remaining 2. It seems exhausting, yet exciting but hopefully, it’ll help mend the splits in my persona little by little. So from me, a very happy new year (belated for you as it is).